twitter bios

8 Types of Twitter Bios that Piss Me Off

Your Twitter bio is the first thing people see when they’re notified by e-mail that they have a new follower. What you say about yourself in that first 160 characters makes or breaks people’s decission to follow you or not.

Twittiots

So I made a list of the things people put in their Twitter bios that are turn offs. If you’re guilty of any of these things, look at your bio again and try to think of a more creative, interesting write up. Because all of these are done by a LOT of people, and they don’t entice anyone.

1) Your family.
“I’m a loving Father,” “happily married, parent” “I have 3 wonderful kids”

It is neither mathematically nor philisophically possible for me to care any less that you spawned. Unless your Twitter account is going to be all about your kids, it has no place here.

And if your Twitter account IS all about your kids, I really have no place for you either.

2) Your resume.
“Social Media Manager & Marketing Virtual Assistant providing services for High Level Business Owners.” (yawn)

You may care, but no one else does that you’re an SEO, or a PHP designer, CEO of your company or a collecter of rare, classic German pornography. Well, scratch that last one – that is actually a little interesting.

3) Sales pitches.
“For over 14 years the experienced and friendly team at [company] has been offering impartial and well-informed advice to thousands of holidaymakers”

Telling people off the bat that they should buy what you sell lets them know that all of your tweets will be equally antagonistic and silly. Profiles with these bios are usually just publishing information from a feed, without any real “author” writing anything. Companies that want to use social but not actually talk to anyone are big on this too.

4) Trying to appeal to everyone
“I am interested in everything,” “always discovering, always creating something,” “Never shy away from an opportunity!”

Cut the chatter, Red 2. You’re wasting your bio trying to be all things to all people. If you’re boring here, your tweets are probably boring too.

5) Including a URL
“Co-founder of http://www.crap site.com – the company behind http://www.another crap site.com, author (http://www.yet another crap site.com), blogger & passionate about project management”

You get ONE URL on your page! It’s even clickable! If you put a bunch more in your bio, no one can click on them, and no one would bother if they could. We aren’t here to help you get more traffic.

6) Hubris
“Social Media Expert, Professional Blogger,” “social media enthusiast,” “I’m The King of straightforward information about franchising”

Who are you trying to impress?

This used to be a bigger problem, until there was a backlash of people saying, “people who say they’re social media experts only show they don’t know what they’re talking about.” Since then, these people have taken to calling themselves, “social media junkies” or “really interested in social media.” But it’s all the same thing: “This thing you’re doing on Twitter? Well, I’m doing it too! But I do it better! Please give me a job!”

7) Nothing at all.
“”

This is just lazy. Sit down for a few minutes and think something up! Even if it’s nothing more than a, “I’ll have something to say later.” As long as you actually DO put something more creative in there later.

8 ) Your book
“Family 1st! but after that, Businessman, @winelibrary, @Vaynermedia, Author of Crush IT and a dude that Loves the hustle, people and the @nyjets”

There’s actually a lot of things in this bio that piss me off. Other Twitter profiles you should go to, family, hubris, meaningless chatter about “hustle” – but also an ad for a book. There are about another 1,000 of these author-types every day. If you were a writer of any note, we’d already know about it. You wouldn’t have to inform us in your bio, Gary.

9) “I follow back”

(I know I said, “8 types of Twitter bios that piss me off,” but I remembered this and kind of got on a roll.)

This is self-explanatory. People tell you they’ll follow you back if you follow them. Again, it’s desperate, and only appeals to those who are on Twitter just to build up more followers. That fact alone tells you they don’t post anything more than posts to their articles, sales, and a truck load of positive, airy, meaningless quotes.

But so you don’t think I’m just grouchy, here’s…

10 of the best Twitter bios EVER

@antifuchs I hack on things for people.
@jephjacques Surprisingly conservative for someone who has sex with dolphins.
@wytukaze I RAGE UNCONTROLLABLY
@tinydoctor I’m a Pentecostal Atheist putting on a tent show revival, speaking in tongues and witnessing to the Word of not god but the Mammon of my counterfeits of meaning
@tommyismyname I blog. I beatbox. I get the asses in the seats.
@virgiltexas i prefer my earlier work
@ISaidDont Seriously, don’t. And don’t touch my stuff either.
@grempz always fall asleep with your makeup on face down in the pillow so when you wake up you have something beautiful to kiss
@GorillaSushi Internet jealousy is measured in precise units, called butthertz.
@Giania I am full of vitriol & nonsense and will probably give you shit if I think you’re trying to sell me something. 😀

Extra special thanks to @Giania, as most of these come from her list Rad Dudes.